/loosh/ - Loosh farming & random

I have am immense desire to desire but an inability to transmute my meta-desire into desire.

I have gone to great lengths recently to produce any kind of emotions in myself across the whole spectrum, from lust to hate to sadness to love to joy and so on.

All I feel is anxiety, tiredness, vagueness, nothing much at all. Just a horrible, emotionally dead, nothing.

I have tried a silly experiment and trick recently to see if I could produce lust and it has utterly failed.

No matter what I try, I can't fucking FEEL. Everything that's supposed to feel like something, feels like nothing. I've tried eating really unhealthy for awhile and different things, nope, just made me feel a little sicker; and going back to my usual healthy eating didn't work. I've tried to talk in sexually provactive way and to remind myself to see things in sexual way and act horny around people, it failed to translate into a genuine sex-drive though. I try to get angry with people but I can only produced "mildly agitated" at best, even if I have good reason to be angry. I try to get sad and cry, and it feels counterfeit, even though I have every reason to be crying my eyes out with all the horrible shit that has happened in my life and especially this month. I have intentionally embarassed myself, got myself shamed, acted weird, etc. but again... it feels like nothing.

Why am I so fucking deficient of emotions?

Why does nothing move me?

Little things, big things, simple, complicated, it doesn't matter.

My mom sums it up adequately when she says I just stare through everything with an empty expression on my face all the time.

I find myself constantly tired and sore all the time and just looking for a place to rest. All day and night I want to sleep and can't. My dad took me out and I just layed down in a hallway in public and tried to rest because I couldn't read through my book due to eye strain and being super-over-tired.

I'm not sure I'm even capable of sleeping anymore. I just meditate and remain fully aware. I feel so beat up, so sore.

I don't understand what's wrong and I am so desperate.

>>432

How long has this been going on for you?

>>432

Just give your ego an abortion, embeded related.

>>516

The video is missing the second here's the full version for you enjoyment and enlightenment.

http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=dc0_1396648596

>>517

*second part,**

Allso here's a good mental exercise, if you could live anyway you wanted how would you live.

I would answer something like a calm shack in the wood whit good drugs and music but that though only lasts a short time as I grasp the question. Live any way I want? I could be weightless in a realm where imagination projects itself instantly... this questions enables you to think of true freedom.

>>516

>>517

Is there more material I can view to help restrain the ego from its intruding influence?

>>519

>weightless in a realm where imagination prejects instantly

wouldn't that be boring as fuck though? I'd rather live in a world where I had to battle and fight for myself then that one.

>>578

>>582

Too bad you aren't truly free to experience these reality's as you wish to find the one most Convenient to you.

Go on a vipassana retreat, mang. It'll get you to the next step if you have the willpower.

>>432

If there's nothing wrong with you physically, and you haven't been traumatized recently (it would have to be torture this late in life), then you may have spontaneously nulled your old gamestate. That is, some condition to live by, forced on you when you were younger, is gone from your mind.

There are obviously more conditions as you feel anxiety, tiredness, and pain. Some could be dietary if you're eating garbage food. I recommend water, plain flour tortillas, and plain meat as a baseline. Anyone can afford this. 8 hours of sleep, too.

As for the rest, you're still trying to satisfy rules imposed on you. Do you see a person cry at a painting and wonder why you're not crying, or do you think the painting is dogshit?

Here's a hint: most everything is dogshit. Their lives, the drama, lies, jobs, everything. It is difficult at times around loved ones that haven't been sprung from this trap because dogshit has immense value to them. Nothing is refined, nothing has been created, nothing that couldn't be shit out in an afternoon by children, they've changed nothing, they care about nothing, but they always lie. The dogshit on television is the worst of it all. It's the most grotesque, disingenuous, shit ever created and people eat it up, but you probably already knew.

See my other post:

>>>/fringe/5699

And this book:

http://freezoneearth.org/pub/trompdf.pdf

The answer may be as simple as you have a biological defiency that is causing numbness and low motivation, fatigue fatigue etc.

I know for years and years I suffered with chronic depression because I wanted to solve my problems with spirituality and meditation.

I'll tell you what totally changed my life what gave me a passion for live an ability to stick to my goals, something I could never do before. Welbutrin.

It inhibits the reuptake of dopamine and so your reward system has more of it available to use.

Normal people experience pleasure after a good meal, they get pleasure from accomplishing their goals and are able to stick to their goals because the fire inside them is lit.

Some of us were born to be unhappy. Try this medication, maybe it can light the fire fire inside you like it did for me.

It's important to note I strongly discourage getting on an ssri, besides the myriad of side effects, there is weak evidence to support the claim that they effectively treat depression.

Wellbutrin works in the first few days of taking it.

For my whole life the idea of being happy without a drug was foreign to me, I self medicated with opiates to make up for my lack of happiness chemicals. I thought this was just the way reality was; even though I grew up on expensive meals out and traveling exotic places, I never found any joy in it. My baseline was tired, numb, empty. Now I feel a vitality and an excitement about myself and the future.

>>847

Apologies for the typos and repeats, my phone keyboard is very wonky in the browser.

To follow up I want to say that I was trying to solve a biological problem with existential solutions if that makes sense.

Now that I have a baseline that most humans already have, my meditation is richer, my spirituality and my dedication to reading and philosophical study has magnified ten fold.

In fact I'm learning German now in order to read these philosopher's in their original tongue.

Once you get your baseline taken care of with medication, don't stop there. That's when the real work towards a better mind can begin.

I practice unconditional happiness, I force myself to smile and repeat in my head to be happy even if I am in emotional pain.

For instance, I am polyamorous and naturally overwhelming negative emotions can accompany this lifestyle.

The stages go like this, first the external trigger: Her paying him more attention than me, or ignoring something I said. Or whatever it may be. (This is a girl I've intensely loved for a year and a half mind you.)

Then comes the tightness in the chest, the negative energy rising, along with this come the negative thoughts as my mind goes into overdrive and starts producing intense negative and malicious thoughts fueled by anger and resentment.

There are two directions you can go at this point, either follow the emotions and let your mind go wild and drunk on them. Start acting maliciously and manipulatively in order to make her jealous or ignore her. This will only cause more pain for you both.

Or what I like to do when I get in a bad way, is I meditate on the emotional state.

I suss out each layer, I focus my attention on the anger, then the resentment, the jealousy, the fear. Once I've identified each component of the moodstate, I visualize it as a red orb of liquid energy in my chest and I watch that orb fall apart and its energy flow to all the parts of my body, in the process it turns blue and I convert it into joy, positive thoughts.

All emotion is energy, don't waste your negative loosh, harness it, transmute it into fuel.

>>848

Also, get some melatonin 10mg for your insomnia, cut out caffeine and alcohol and if all that doesn't help enough then get trazadone.

>>848

This would probably more benefit you:

>>816

The book in particular.

>>848

Why would you get emotional at all, though? You seem to be implying that you're a victim of circumstance and the inevitable, when in reality you have a much greater control of your emotional states, including what you perceive as "happy chemical deficiencies," than you think.

I know how easy it is to rationalize something that artificially allows us to go on without looking at the real underlying issues. You're not broken, your ego just thinks you are. You still have major unresolved trauma, some of which is clearly correlated with your relationship fears. Remove the root of the fear, like pressing the delete button, and suddenly, no more reason to fear. No tightness in the chest, no lack of "happy chemicals", etc., all of that just goes away.

>>860

If you have never had chronic depression without reason then I understand if it is foreign concept to you. The fact of the matter is that some people have a baseline that is not normal. Some people are naturally happier people. This is a matter of gene expression. To You can't imagine what it's like to live every day for years and years with no energy to do anything, you just want to stay in bed. Even when life is going great. This is reality, without my medication I would never have been able to do the inner work I'm doing now. You can handwave biology and neuroscience but that doesn't mean they don't exist. What I see is your failure to synthesize two psychological modalities, one of the biological theory of mind and one of the spiritual theory of mind. You'll learn that these two are compatible as you look more into it.

>>860

My phrase "spiritual theory of mind" could also be substituted for "existential theory of mind."

And let me just say you have a very good understanding of the existential theory and I commend you, you should keep enriching yourself with that model.

I'm also saying though that the existential modality begins to lose its power when you come to cases like me with a family history of bipolar type two (of which the main feature is chronic depression with only a few days out of the month in which I had some increased productivity) Bipolar two does not feature psychotic mania and it should be remembered that bipolar is a spectrum, each classification based on severity of symptoms)

It breaks down because folks like me have an inner drought of mana so to speak, our brains are literally slowed down, our powers of visualization stunted and our true potential imprisoned by a body that lacks a functioning reward system.

Like I said I understand if you haven't spent time studying neurology that you would e skeptical of it but I implore you to take more time before rejecting such a powerful and nuanced model of the human spirit out of hand.

>>433

checked