Is it really necessary to consciously avoid negative emotions and situations? What if you can transform all of the negative emotions into positive ones – could one benefit then from doing things that would lead to all sorts of adverse reactions from others? Also aren't we living this life in order to suffer and to gain spiritual power from that suffering? Should I really be worried if someone wants to torture and kill me even if I am beyond such things (physical pain doesn't bother me and I might have a deathwish)? What about pissing people off while trying to initiate them into higher awareness or simply pushing buttons until you set off an emotional trigger until they eventually learn to keep calm and not get upset over trivialities?
Is suicide really a bad thing? I've participated in many discussions on the topic before and I don't find most of the reasons others have given to not do it very compelling. Like one reason that is trotted out all the time is that "you came here to have an experience and you'd be invalidating your purpose in life by ending it early" but I don't think that argument means anything really when surely the act of suicide was in no way changing the plan but a part of it. So anyone who kills themself would have just done as they were meant to do. Others say that when you die and go to the astral planes you'll feel stupid having done what you did and want to go back for another incarnation to learn the lessons you did not … but I already astral travel and when I'm in the astral I don't think such thoughts, why would it be any different after destroying my physical vessel? Another thing is that at the time I kill myself it'll probably be when I feel that I have no potential whatsoever to progress any further in this life, that I'm just getting beaten down too hard, and besides all that I know very well that many people will celebrate when I'm dead and the others won't care as I have cultivated such incredible hatred and disdain from so many people.
What also if I am evil? I have a really fucked sense of morality. I know about the golden rule but it's useless because it says "do onto others as you would want done onto yourself". Well what if I just want to die or for people to take out their anger on me and torture me? From that line of reasoning I see no problem in killing or torturing others.
What constitutes suicide from a metaphysical perspective? Am I still committing suicide if for example I decide to do very increasingly dangerous things in the knowledge it will surely lead to my death sooner or later? What if I decide to go down fighting and making myself worthy of the halls of Valhalla? I personally advocate dying a meaningful death – to me it doesn't matter if it's suicide or some other cause as long as they died in a noble and fearless fashion.
I also support infanticide because I often wish my vessel was destroyed before I was incarnated in it (something which I feel was against my will and not a choice btw as many claim, I consider myself as a kind of tulpa probably made by a higher being that made the choice for me, and suspect that I will be returned to that consciousness upon death maybe unless perhaps I can fight it) and because I think defective vessels should just be terminated early in order to spare the ridiculous and pointless suffering of any being that might have the misfortune of having to occupy that vessel as well as the waste of resources. I'm not sure if you'd feel differently. I also don't view very young children as truly conscious though I think it varies, some people have memories going to very early in life, and others don't. I personally would not consider the first 5 years that my vessel was on Earth to be a time in which I really existed here.
My greatest aspiration for a very long time has been to simply escape to the astral planes and leave behind this world. I don't care about what goes on here in third density… don't care about relationships, money, or anything else but escaping. Everything about this waking reality feels unreal, lower resolution, lower depth, etc. and if there was ever one compelling reason to stay or to come back then that would be to free others from what I regard as a spiritual prison, purely out of sympathy for those lost in this realm suffering and inferiority.
One way I've wanted to escape is to complete the transmigration of the soul like Lobsang Rampa. Another plan I have is to create a tulpa and then let it possess me so I can escape and it can have my body. Another possibility wouldn't even just be about escape but breaking down the veil and bringing the astral into this realm, causing an instant ascension for everyone into 4th density. I don't know what the most feasible plan for escape would be but I think the tulpa one might be my best bet. Do you have any ideas on how I could get out of here and also do you approve of such a choice to leave?
I also want to make something clear because every day people misunderstand me on this – a lot of people think I want to leave because of a dissatisfaction with life here that they think could be ammended in some way. Like more money, health, an intimate companion, sex, or whatever else they think that I should be valuing. What they don't understand is I could be perfectly rich, I could be a total degenerate and having sex with whoever I want, I could have better health, or whatever – and it wouldn't measure up at all to the deeper experiences I can have in the astral. I feel like this whole world is static and blur (in fact, I see static in my vision all the time especially for anything that's supposed to be dark / black) and that it is dull to my senses. Explained in terms of the holographic paradigm, it's like I've got a smaller piece of the hologram, so with the laser of my consciousness shining through the image produced is less clear.
That's what pisses me off so much about this world. It's not really just suffering, pain, etc. Pain for example is very beautiful in its own way but it's better appreciated when it's felt more intensely I think. It's the way everything is so insubstantial, so fake, so shallow, so dull. The astral planes have everything that is here but it's all turned up in intensity – colours are more vivid, objects viewed up close are more detailed, the depth of the experience is greater. Like 720p compared to 480p. Why would you ever want to watch a film in 480p or an even worse resolution if you had a choice to watch the same film in 720p? The physical planes / third density and the matrix control system are a pathetic excuse for a reality. The only positive explanation I have for its existence might be to give us motivation to escape it and then to appreciate the next level of existence much more. Maybe it also has something to do with shaping the mind into a coherent and stable form, perhaps something that would be more difficult for an entity native to 5th density? I'm not sure.
I hate being here. I don't want to be bound to this place any longer. There's like 2 people also I'd want to help escape because they are on the same path as me and feel like an extension or different iterations of me – they're probably part of the same 6th density soul complex as me. I'd try to help a few more if it was feasible simply because I know they want out and I want to help anyone escape. I hate the demiurge's false realm (well, unless you consider the demiurge as controlling the astral planes, which I don't – but if there is a higher realm than the astral maybe I will find myself wanting to be there if I ever I get to experience it or maybe not, maybe I will just want to stay in the astral, I won't know until later).
This video basically captures my feel about the third density:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OxKYfTvZFb8