I've been talking with Christians, talking with a minister, studying theology, assuming it's all true, making a real big effort to understand every single bit of it.
Today though I feel this shame though when I saw the Minister. I've been talking to him before affirming his beliefs and praising the Bible and so on… but lately I'm realizing there are problems I can't get past. I mean sure I've been able to shoot down all kinds of attacks on Christianity and see that most of the criticism laid against Christianity is bullshit but anyways here is where I am stuck:
1. I absolutely can't relate to any of the fucktards on >>>/christian/ or to the vast majority of so called Christians. They are anti-spiritual, sinful, cucky, and pathetic. I try to focus primarily on the intellectual heavyweights of Christianity, the greatest Christians history has produced, but I can't completely ignore that the masses of Christians are a strong argument for "don't let your religion fall into the hands of the profane less they pervert it". Now you can counter with the fact that the masses of any religion are stupid; but that's not entirely true. There is Hermeticism and various small religions or "philosophies" that are by design fit only for the real seekers after truth and which the mundanes and the unfit get filtered out of.
2. The whole time I'm reading all these theology works I have to "translate" them or in other words play huge mental gymnastics to make sense of them and interpret it in a sensible, meaningful way. This makes the religion worthless to me. I understand that these things are very nuanced and easy to misinterpret but I swear we could just write out the universal truths and moral lessons and all the rest that are theoretically contained in the Bible and just burn the fucking Bibles (or leave them to rot on shelves unread would be more realistic since if you burn books you're just going to cause people to find copies of the books, preserve them, and read them).
3. The reaction of pagans throughout history to the Bible, such as Voodoo practitioners and others, is to use the bible as a Grimoar and the various saints as stand-ins for the deities they knew. It can be used magickally but go to any regular Christians anywhere and they are afraid of magick and the occult and spiritual forces. Now lets think of Christianity as a kind of a slippery slope just like the way Islam is. You get a first wave of Christians that do things a little different or a first wave of Mohammedans but once they convert everyone and once "the program" has been going on long enough it realizes its final form. If I were to raise my children as Christians and teach them the Bible and so on they would not understand Christianity the way I do and they would not think like me and they would not carry on my traditions. It would gradually degenerate into something else and it would be basically impossible for them to think and live as I have.
4. I can't get over Jesus calling himself God. No just no. A man is a part of God but man is not god. How can Christians worship a man who claims he is god and then shit on Satanists and Hindus if they either aspire to be like god or start thinking (erroneously btw) that they are god? Honestly this Jesus guy makes me mad and I'd have crucified him too if I lived back then, nowadays there is so much degeneracy and problems in the world that if someone claims they are god you just ignore them and maybe dismiss them as crazy or eccentric, but I can see why they killed Jesus back then. So much about Jesus just confounds me. I have to seriously wonder if mainstream Christians are just misinterpreting the life and meaning of Jesus very badly or what has gone wrong but I don't believe in Jesus as being a good role model for anyone.
5. Christianity could just be a whole lot better. I can practice apologetics and try to defend it and try to be a Christian but it's becoming apparent to me it's just not worthwhile when you could scrap the whole religion and begin again with something that would bear better fruit.
6. It is better to read Plotinus and various other philosophers throughout our history than to waste time on Christianity. I'm not gaining any genuine inspiration or understanding at all from this religion and I'm having to use my own pagan mindset and knowledge to try make gold out of rubbish.
There's a lot of stuff you can quote out of the bible and find meaning in also but I think if one studies the bible very carefully, one might find that passages that have been taken out of context and from which certain meanings have been found and become popular, probably aren't even consistent with the rest of the bible. Since the bible is held as infallible by large sects of Christianity this is very important that everything be true in the Bible.
Something else I struggle with concerning Christianity is I don't like that it may have a historical aspect to it. I don't like the idea that Jesus actually lived and was a real person or that any of these stories are based on real people. While it is certainly conceivable that in life various truths play themselves out and we can learn from the lives of others and that God might have used "the world stage" or "the life of Jesus" or whatever to send us a message I would rather think it is a mistake to do this. I like mythology because even though say "Jason and the Golden Fleece" might be a real story that played out nobody bothers themselves about this and instead we focus on the moral of the story. Having a historical aspect to Christianity where we wonder if for example Adam and Eve were two real, physical, human beings that lived on Earth in a real place called the Garden of Eden distracts from what might have actually been valuable. I also find it very difficult to believe in Christian version of history in general including claims that Earth is not very old.